How Self-Compassion Will Help You Eat Better (and Some Other Stuff) 4

Have you ever had the experience some people call ‘synchronicity’, where certain messages repeatedly cross your path, as though to smack you in the face to get your attention?  I’ve experienced this phenomena many times, and I can’t explain it, but I believe there’s some reason why I need to receive the message, so I pay attention and open myself up to what is trying to being communicated to me.

Lately it’s been about self-compassion. Articles, quotes, videos and webinars about self-compassion have been bombarding me this week without me seeking them out. Self-compassion is something I’ve been pro-actively working on for a few months, as well as something I believe is crucial in my work with people on their journey of healing,  restoring health (physical AND emotional) and finding balance in their eating and food choices. As I’m discovering, it’s also crucial for relationships, career and finances.

So what is self-compassion? Let’s start by talking about what it’s not. It’s not about being narcissistic, or about comparing ourselves to others, or being self-indulgent. You may liken it to self-esteem, but as Kristen Neff, PhD, who studies self-compassion points out, self-esteem is often about being “better” than the average person, which quite often leads us to have very critical and judgmental thoughts about ourselves.   We believe these thoughts are helping us in some way—if we beat ourselves up enough about not looking like the cover model or performing like the athlete or being as successful as Bill Gates, then maybe we’ll whip ourselves enough and that will motivate us. The corporal punishment approach. But IT DOESN’T WORK!

What does work? Being kind to ourselves.  Having grace and patience. Talking to ourselves like we would to a 5-year old. Would you tell your child who is performing poorly in school, “You idiot! What’s wrong with you?! Make better grades already!” Likely not, because this only isn’t kind, but it also isn’t motivating. There is an outdated belief that this approach would motivate because it instills fear in the child as they would never want to be reprimanded again, but then the child approaches their schoolwork with stress and fear, and that’s certainly not healthy. Instead, you would say to the child, “It’s okay. You are capable. I am here to help you—let’s figure out an approach that will work to bring your grades up.”

How can we take this same approach with ourselves when things seemingly aren’t going well, and we want to improve, or even simply acknowledge that we made a mistake or had the potential to do better? Instead of focusing on being better than the next person, how can we love ourselves just as we are, right here and now, and accepting where we’re at—and then from that place allow ourselves to grow and evolve? How can we choose in the moments when we want to ‘cry over spilled milk’–even literally, when you spill milk  and are criticizing yourself—to laugh, because we are human, and every human at one point or another will spill something?  How can we look at what we see as inadequacies and make a choice to love ourselves anyways, the same way we love a child or pet?

We can start by creating mindful awareness. Awareness of the inner critic and those voices that are being nasty. These inner critic voices are often so automatic and sub-conscious, so the first step is to recognize that they are there. The second step is to dis-connect yourself from the voice. You can even name it if you want, so that it helps you realize that this voice is not YOU. Choose a ridiculous name for it if you want.

This is also a time to practice mindfulness, which means relinquishing judgment and replacing it with curiosity and acceptance. One of the reasons a formal meditation practice helps is because you can practice watching your thoughts and not thinking of them as good or bad, rather just being curious about them and accepting them during meditation and it makes it easier to do when you’re going through daily life. This acceptance of the thought lessens the emotional intensity that often accompanies the thought.

The third step is to instill a turn-around and find a way to treat yourself as a child or a pet and, as silly as it sounds, pump yourself up. Tell yourself you love yourself, you are proud of yourself, you have faith in yourself. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is part of the human experience. In self-compassion workshops participants are instructed to put their hands on their heart, hug themselves, rub their arms, or whatever brings up a sense of warmth.

I know, I know, it sounds cheesy, maybe hokey, probably too ‘feel-goody’ for you, right? I thought so too. And then I tried it. And at first I felt silly, a little embarrassed even. But what I have found for myself, and what the scientific research is now revealing, is that engaging in this actually motivates me MORE, it puts me in a content state of mind and being from which life flows more gracefully.

What’s really amazing is how this attitude of compassion, forgiveness and self-love impacts eating behaviors. Studies show that those who practice self-compassion around eating actually eat LESS than those who are hard on themselves on what they “should not” be eating. There are several studies out there where people who were chronic dieters or had guilt around eating candy or a milkshake ended up eating more, bingeing even, than the study participants who ate intuitively and allowed themselves permission and compassion to enjoy the food.  Here’s a beautiful example of how that drill sergeant inner critic voice that is supposedly trying to help you regulate what and how much you eat ends up causing you to eat more, whereas the voice of compassion and self-nurture will regulate your eating naturally and even allow you to ENJOY that piece of chocolate. It may even ask you to choose something that your body is craving–something substantial–not because you “should”, but because that’s what your body really wants.  You feel better and you eat better. What a concept!

Like any good habit, it takes some time to re-train yourself and your brain, but it’s well worth the initial effort that becomes more and more automatic over time.

To test your self-compassion, go to http://www.self-compassion.org/test-your-self-compassion-level.html

Bottom line: you, my friend, are worthy of your own respect. We all are. If cultivating self-compassion feels challenging or you want some structure,  the Mindful Eating workshops incorporate self-compassion exercises and meditations. Please contact me with any questions or to learn more. I would love to hear from you.