My story is not a unique one. The story of feeling out of control with food after a period of restricting.
In hindsight it’s so clear and makes perfect sense yet at the time, my compulsive binges felt so mysterious.
They felt like something I would somehow, someday be able to willpower my way out of; once I just mustered up enough control.
Control was something I once was so good at! I rationalized. I counted calories and lost 20 pounds – so surely, I CAN have control!
It makes sense now that those binge episodes were happening BECAUSE I was trying to control, BECAUSE I was depriving, restricting, dieting.
It didn’t seem like there was another option, though. EITHER you diet and restrict and have the body and health you want or you DON’T and the weight creeps up (or stays on).
I had been so proud of myself for my discipline and body transformation – there was NO way I was going back to being someone who DIDN’T restrict their food. That would mean I would have to then identify myself as a lazy, fat person. I wasn’t going to be THAT!
Yet the more I tried to diet, the more often I found myself in a trance – as though something larger than life was taking over my body and I had absolutely no say in it – I would be in the kitchen downing as much food as possible, a lot of times peanut butter. Oh how easily I could eat half a jar or more of peanut butter! Or half a box of (high-fiber) cereal. Sometimes bags of frozen berries. Or trail mix. Or a mixture of all of the above in the same go.
I would feel so sick and sluggish and bloated and miserable afterwards that I would vow not to ever make myself feel that way again – I’d get back on my plan and it’d all be OK.
It wasn’t. I didn’t.
I would Google “How to stop emotional eating” or "How to stop binge eating” or “What to do when you want to stress eat” and articles would tell me to distract myself, find a replacement behavior or fill the “actual” need by phoning someone, taking bath, going for a walk or reading a book.
Clearly those people hadn’t ever been entranced, because if they had they would know that you can do any or all of those things and the ENTIRE time all you’re thinking about is eating, and there’s a strong urge to eat A LOT.
In some ways I WAS numbing out some pain and discomfort or unmet needs by overeating; somehow the pain of being STUFFED was more tolerable that whatever stress I was numbing out by eating. I just couldn’t always pinpoint what the specific “pain” or “need” was.
I suspected I had created some dopamine response in my brain that was akin to any addiction.
I also knew there was a way out and I would eventually find it.
I’ve heard some therapists say that when you have eating disorder type behavior the only thing you can do is manage it; you can’t ever get rid of it.
I’m living proof that that is bullshit. I have been binge-free for 7+ years and have zero desire to binge. Ever.
Therefore, I have nothing to ‘manage’.
I now eat similarly to how I used to when I would count calories and restrict – healthier, actually – and without the overeating that comes with restriction or the guilt.
This time, there isn’t any “controlling” - it’s natural, it’s how I WANT to eat. If I find myself at a dinner party eating something that’s not healthy because that’s what was served or if decide to eat a cookie for the fun of it, I have zero guilt and move on with my life.
I can now have a desire for peanut butter, allow myself to have it, eat one or two spoonful's and feel perfectly content with that being enough. Sometimes I might eat 4 or 5 spoonful's – and I’ll be completely fine with that too!
I can have chocolate in my purse and forget that it’s there.
And yet, my weight has stayed the same and even gone down.
How did I stop bingeing and get here?
I re-wired my brain. I literally changed the structure of my brain.
I developed the skill of mindfulness which enabled me to develop the skill of intuitive eating.
Along the way I developed self-compassion and a lot of appreciation and love for my body.
While my story of binging isn’t a unique one (an estimated 2.8 million people in the US alone struggle with binge eating disorder – who knows how many more struggle with unreported disordered eating).
My story of creating a sane, peaceful, healthy relationship to food is also not a unique one.
I have personally helped and witnessed hundreds of clients do the same.
Are you somewhere on this spectrum?
Perhaps you don’t get into a trance like I did but still lack “self-control” when it comes to portion sizes or stress eating or snacking late at night.
Perhaps you have a distracting amount of guilt after eating the “wrong” thing.
Perhaps you think about food alllll of the time and it feels like an obsession.
And you’re ready to do something about it besides try to willpower it.
I hear you and I’m here for you.
Mindfully,
Meredith
p.s. If you are ready to get serious about transforming your relationship to food and your body and experience freedom, let’s talk about working 1:1 together.